Ruin Me, One Last Time
by herwhiteknight
Summary: After three years of silence, Sarah's ex has some explaining to do.


"Hey, uh... Sarah? I, um.. didn't want to do this, at least.. not like this. But it's.. the sky. It's heavy and dark and, god, Sarah, it's raining... and you need to know." Sarah comes home to the sound of the answering machine taking a message – Cosima's message. She feels too heavy to rush to answer the phone, and even if she wasn't so weighted, she wasn't sure that she even _wanted _to pick up the phone, to press the hard plastic against her ear, as if digging it into her flesh would make Cosima's voice closer somehow, warmer somehow.

She drops her keys onto the counter with a long sigh and stares out the rain-streaked window as thunder rumbles distantly past the glass. The same thunder that Cosima herself was probably being battered by. The answering machine crackles, and Cosima's voice continues. "I know it's been awhile.. uh, three years now...," the words pause abruptly, and the silence is accompanied by a noise of distress, and it's something that Sarah feels belatedly in her gut. _Christ, _she berates herself, even as Cosima recollects herself and moves on, "Yeah, okay.. it's been awhile. It's just... I never meant to walk out on you Sarah. I never meant... never thought that leaving that day would mean leaving you for good, you know?

"It was a stupid thing, a stupid fight... Sarah, you weren't supposed to leave! Damn it, Manning, that wasn't what you were supposed to do! You were supposed to wait until-"

Sarah found herself suddenly crossing the room on numb, stumbling legs and ripping the phone from its holder, cutting off the recording, slicing her own words over Cosima's pathetic explanation, "You think you made me believe that I had a choice to stay?! You bloody twat – that's complete bullshit Cos and you know it!"

"..wait until I came – Sarah? I... I wasn't expecting-"

"You were expecting enough of me to so easily assume that I'd so willingly stick around after you told me that you never wanted to see my face again! You're a bitch, Cosima Niehaus, and I don't want to hear your bloody explanations anymore, got it? It's been three years – don't try calling me again," she growled, her voice low and dangerous and _so damn wounded. _And Sarah hated it.

"Sarah, please.. don't.. don't hang up just yet," Cosima begged her quietly, having managed to reign in her confusion at being caught.

"Don't," she snapped again, gripping the receiver like it was Cosima's throat. Or maybe it was her own throat. Throttling herself for being such an idiot for leaving the best thing that had ever happened to her. _What a sap, _she snarled at herself. "You don't get to beg, Cosima. Not after you _told _me to leave," she explained, her tone too low and too even to be anything but dangerous.

"I didn't mean it like that!"

"I'm tired of your problems, tired of your life!" Sarah threw back in her best imitation, the movie reel from that night spinning out of control, brought forth from the back of her mind without any conscious effort. She fucking _hated _that it still hurt like it was just yesterday. "Why can't you get away from them? Stop hanging around those guys, they're nothing but trouble, I hate seeing you hurt, don't you see that they're hurting you? You come home bloody Sarah, I can't deal-"

"Sarah, would you please just-"

"If you can't get your habit under control, then I'm going to leave, I can't see you carry on like this Sarah, you're ruining your-"

"I left because I loved you!" Cosima finally cut through, her voice leaving a ringing silence in Sarah's ear. Dumbstruck, Sarah's jaw hung open, the reenactment dying on her lips, allowing Cosima's words space. "I expected you to stay... to wait for me to cool down but.. that's not exactly true. I wanted to ruin you Sarah.

"Stop, no. I can _hear _the arguments in your head, Sarah. Let me talk," Cosima said.

A wry grin slipped onto Sarah's face before she could stop it, "You've never really stopped talking Cos. Now or ever, y'know?"

Cosima's low chuckle filled the line and Sarah's stomach dropped into her knees, making them weak. _It had been so long. _"Okay, alright. I'll give you that. Hear me out one last time, though, please?"

"Does it have to be?" Sarah found herself replying, her eyes widening as she smacked a hand over her mouth. _Shite. _

"Have to be... what?" Cosima questioned quickly, and Sarah could just _hear _in the tone of her voice the slow smirk that was surely unfurling over her face at that moment.

Sarah sighed, cursed her ex's astuteness, and let out a resigned, "The last time."

"Sarah, it's been three-"

"I know Cos... I know. It's just," another heavy sigh, "I..." But she couldn't find the strength to finish the words properly.

She didn't need to. "Me too," was the quiet reply. Sarah bit her lip and ran a hand through her hair as the thunder outside rumbled. Finally, "Can we...?"

"Cos, god, I...," Sarah started slowly, feeling the weight of the thousand reasons of why they shouldn't even _think _about going there sitting on her shoulders. "You just told me that you left me to _ruin _me."

"Shit, yeah," Cosima laughed, out of the pure absurdity of the statement, "I uh.. I did say that. Didn't I?"

Instead of snapping back with a haughty remark, Sarah found herself laughing. Cosima's laugh had always been infectious. _Cosima _had always been infectious. "You did." Then she sobered, "Why?"

"You needed to know what you would lose."

Sarah felt her blood boil, fingers whitening against the phone, her muscles tensing on impulse. But then a thought struck her. "But I haven't really lost you, have I?"

"No," Cosima said after a long pause, and Sarah couldn't stop the grin on her face at Cosima's next words, "You really haven't."


End file.
